$stdout - Meetings

April 4 2020, 1:19pm

Lyrics below. Yo dawg, I heard you like meetings, so I put a meeting on your schedule so we can meet about meetings.

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Hop into the call, I don’t know why I’m here The purpose of the meeting wasn’t ever made clear Get through the first few awkward how are you’s Half the people don’t realize they’re on mute Someone says we need to get on the same page Then links a Google doc that looks like an essay 5 minutes in, s***’s already getting old Then we realize, we don’t really have a goal Speaker starts lagging then their video freezes Someone unmutes, just coughs then sneezes Did I need to be invited? We’re not even gonna leave with action items I’ve had enough, who set this up? Who put this meeting on my calendar? Open up my schedule and my vision goes black Cause I got four meetings like this back to back

(Chorus) No thank you, no meetings I really, hate speaking Don’t add me, I’m leaving My whole week, is meetings No thank you, no meetings I really, hate speaking Don’t add me, I’m leaving My whole week, is meetings

Sign into meeting number 2 It’s a meeting about how many meetings we should do Did I die last night and go to hell? Could’ve said all of this shit in emails Got nothing done, and we’re running out of time So they wanna do a follow-up meeting next week 20 minutes trying to get schedules aligned Then someone’s mic made a weird high pitched screech I finally try talking for a second Then I realize nobody’s paying attention You, yeah I’m talking to you I can tell you’re on Slack by the way your eyes move Meeting number 4, I can barely stay conscious This whole day nothing was accomplished I’m about to explode F*** this, turn my camera off and just code

(Chorus) No thank you, no meetings I really, hate speaking Don’t add me, I’m leaving My whole week, is meetings No thank you, no meetings I really, hate speaking Don’t add me, I’m leaving My whole week, is meetings

We never learn, or have a choice Half the meetings I attend, they don’t have a point My schedule is looking like a game of Tetris We’re smart people, I bet we can find a better method So we try “no meetings” one day a week Supposed to have 0 meetings but I get 3 With weird 30 minute time breaks in between I can’t get anything done so I just eat This is taking all my brainpower A meeting’s called quick sync but it’s 2 hours Weekly check-in that’s always skipped So why does it exist? I’m about to lose my shit How does anybody get stuff done? How the f*** does this place even run? My standup update is repeating Every day I just say “more meetings”

(Chorus) No thank you, no meetings I really, hate speaking Don’t add me, I’m leaving My whole week, is meetings No thank you, no meetings I really, hate speaking Don’t add me, I’m leaving My whole week, is meetings